Ban all art now: why we agree with the Tallahassee Taliban

The Tallahassee Taliban is right. We agree with them. The world is drenched in sex, as any religious fundamentalist, or thirteen year old boy, will know. And it’s wrong! People shouldn’t do it. Or be thinking about it endlessly all the time. All the time. Everywhere you look That’s why any image that might suggest the existence of you know, down there, should be banned. And that’s why it’s wrong, just plain wrong to teach children about things like Michelangelo and the Renaissance.  Because it’s got nude men in it. And women. And what might they make you think about ? You can see – No!  Let such thoughts pass. Please. Instead, let us give you the background, as outlined in the Independent [1] and try not to think about-you know what- as you read on.

There exists a school on Tallahassee, Florida called the Tallahassee Classical School. Its remit includes the teaching of classical art to its pupils. Recently a teacher called Hope Carrasquila taught such a lesson, including Michaelangelo’s David. Understandably, the sky fell in. Parents complained and School board Chair Barney Bishop,a fine ecclesiastical name, informed Ms Carrasquila that she either resigned, or she would be fired. She resigned. And a jolly good thing too. Stop the rot here, we say. In fact we will go further and suggest some other works which ought to be banned , shut away and destroyed, lest they cause the stirrings of impure desire.

Piero Della Francesca The Baptism of Christ   More Nude men. And one of them is Jesus, goddammit! We’ll leave out the bathhouse connotations, because this isn’t that sort of website, but there’s women looking at them. If that isn’t depravity, we don’t know what is

Piero della Francesca | The Baptism of Christ | NG665 | National Gallery, London

Pieter de Hooch Patio of a house in Delft It clearly depicts a woman with a child. Meaning some pesky kid is going to ask “where do babies come from?” right in the middle of the National Gallery when you’re trying to keep your thoughts on higher things and stop thinking about sex all the time. Hell, it’s not easy to be a religious fundamentalist, is it?

Pieter de Hooch | The Courtyard of a House in Delft | NG835 | National Gallery, London

Johannes Vermeer Woman playing the virginal  Look at the way she’s looking at you. Pretty obvious what she wants really, isn’t it? If this isn’t depraved pornography, we don’t know what is.

Johannes Vermeer | A Young Woman standing at a Virginal | NG1383 | National Gallery, London

George Stubbs Whistlejacket   Here the danger is bestiality, that most heinous of sins, pure and simple. Of course, you’ll have to be pretty fast and strong, but………

George Stubbs | Whistlejacket | NG6569 | National Gallery, London

The time has come to ban all art, all images, for all are filth. Pornography. Just as bad as anything kids can access on their phones via the internet. Parents will never be able to stop that of course, because  they don’t understand how they work. But, hey, Authority can make a start by closing down all art galleries, all courses in fine art and anything that refers to the Renaissance in any form whatsoever. Just like the Taliban, in fact. About time, too.

[1] School principal fired for showing Michelangelo’s David in class (

[2] V&A · The Story Of Michelangelo’s David (

#religious fundamentalism #fine art #michelangelo #renaissance #sexual repression

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