What really happens at an English Summer party?

Summer Party? I thought we were in dry January?

Our foreign readers are curious about an alleged series of summer garden parties in No 10 Downing Street,and wanted to know what a real English garden party is like.

Who could tell them?

Not Boris Johnson, apparently. He thinks this is how people work normally.

Okay, what kind of booze do English people drink on these occasions?

Just about anything. They empty out all the flower pots and fill them with ice. Then cram in hundreds of cans of Red Stripe, Kronenbourg, and San Miguel. Or bottles of cheap rose, chardonnay and Prosecco. The latter being very important to Mr Johnson, even though he went to Eton.

How so?

He said that unless the Johnny Foreigners did exactly what we told them, we wouldn’t buy any more Prosecco after Brexit.

But people in England still drink it?

By the gallon! And everything else. At one of these alleged parties they went through the stuff so fast they had to send one poor bloke round to Tesco in The Strand with a wheelie suitcase for emergency re-supplies. It is alleged.

Surely people are allowed a tipple after work? Why all the fuss?

Because at the the time of the alleged booze-ups, Mr Johnson had enjoined the rest of us to follow the strictest, most draconian lockdown. You couldn’t even have proper funerals. Which may have irked Her Majesty the Queen, whose husband’s funeral took place on the same date as one of the more raucous Downing Street bashes. National Mourning and all that, old boy.

I see. What kind of music gets played at one of these dos?

Oh, varies. Papa’s got a new pig bag by Pigbag. Bubbling Hot by Pato Banton and Ranking Roger. Born Slippy NUXX by Underworld. Do the Hucklebuck by Coast 2 Coast. Dragostea by O Zone………..anything bright and cheerful, that you can dance to, goes down well. Just like on the quads when they were all at Oxford. It is alleged.

So no mood of national grief and austerity in No 10?

Au contraire! They did their own DJ-ing, or so it is said. Presumably to save taxpayers’ money. Which would not have impressed Mr Johnson anyway as he either a) wasn’t present b) didn’t realise they were parties c) has launched an enquiry to find out if he was there and if they alleged parties were indeed parties, or just people working intensely at their desks

Things to avoid saying at summer parties “How’s the new wall paper coming along then?” “I think Dominic needs another drink” “here’s a health unto Her Majesty”

#boris johnson #conservative party #downing street #lockdown #covid-19