It is not often that we at LSS find ourselves sunk in despair, in existential terror, but such is our state at the news of a terrible disease which has begun to sweep the world. It has the potential to destroy the very bases of our civilisation, to wreak untold havoc with our way of life, to tear at the very bounds of existence itself. Read now, if you dare * UK Gin supply under threat from Sarah Young in the Independent.
The basic facts of impending disaster are these. Gin, as every schoolchild knows, is flavoured using the berries of the Juniper tree. Otherwise it would just be insipid old hooch, a bit like vodka. Now the poor old juniper trees of Scotland are threatened by a deadly new fungal disease called phytophthora austrocedri: and get this, pop pickers-Scotland produces no less than 70% of the gin for the four home nations! We are in trouble. Deep deep trouble.
How did it get there, and who brought it in? Aliens? The Illuminati? Trotskyists? We don’t know. Clearly the first step must be for the SAS and security services to hunt down the culpable (we know the latter like a good cocktail, so they should be sufficiently motivated). Secondly, that Men of Science drop all else they are doing, and work on a cure for this terrible pestilence. Thirdly, to form Citizens’ Action Groups in local public houses, to hold politicians’ feet to the fire until the crisis is solved, once and forever. There can be no room for traitors and backsliders.
Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty, go forward together, so that, if the British Hospitality Industry should choose to last for a thousand years, men will still say “This was our finest night out for a long time.”
#gin #juniper #phytophthora austrocedri, #tonic #disaster #illuminati